Yesterday was a great day. Today just isn’t.
It’s amazing how far I can go inside my own head. I wish it wasn’t Sunday so I could actually call a place. I never thought I’d see the day I wished it weren’t Sunday. My head hurts. I haven’t eaten and I kind of prefer it that way. This cleaning thing, it used to be therapeutic. Now it’s just tiring and problematic. I go so hard on myself. I spend so much time being that other part of me, just inside my head. It feels like I’ve effectively become two people. One that can move forward and be in the moment and the other that lingers back, overwhelmed, swallowed. I wish you had never died, all for my own selfish reasons. I wish all of these emotions hadn’t resurfaced. I’m angry with so many people. My defense mechanisms are slowly failing. There’s moments when I can no longer drown out the fears, the anger, the questioning, the guilt, the blame. I am so overwhelmed. So alone, in my own head. That other part of me, realizes how I move forward, how blessed I am, how hard I’ve worked and how far that’s gotten me. But you can’t move forward half way. It just doesn’t work. That’s how I end up with these feelings of empty and nowhere. I don’t know what you do when your worries and your problems seem endless. When there seems to be no resolution. When I don’t seem to be the conflict, I’m just the one conflicted.
I know what some professional would probably say. I have to accept and forgive and understand. All three things so hard to do in life. I’m falling apart.