The doldrums

I had such a fit yesterday; all this about how I hate this city and the way of living and I want to go ride a cruiser in California. I’ve always known I’m not a New Yorker. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great city; mainly because the diversity is abundant and the transportation is on point and you can get almost anything to eat you’ve ever dreamt of. If I had more time and maybe some more money, I probably could also do a million more things. But I guess it’s not really the city, it’s my whole life (apart from the actual people I’m around). I’ve been slowly trying to explain to myself and people that grad school is not what I wanted it to be. This program is not what I wanted it to be. Secondary to that, I’m annoyed at all the debt I’m in and will be because of this one year; a year that is not what I wanted it to be academically. Sure, I’ve got the 4.0, but I have yet not gotten out of it what I wanted. For once, I can confidently say it’s not my fault, faculty and administration have just been falling short. So what is it that I want? I blame it on the weather but I’m not sure that’s all of it. I am craving sunshine. I’m craving doing something other than the same routine. I’m craving activities other than drinking; this is why I say I’m craving sunshine because when you have sunshine you can just go outside and that is an activity. It’s not like I even drink as much as I did in undergrad. I spend a lot of weekends inside. I guess I just get restless; all the time. I exhaust places after a few months.  This isn’t even meant to sound like I actually explore every nook and cranny and actually make the most of it; I just get tired of them even before I fully begin. It just makes me think I haven’t found the place. Isn’t that funny? People go around searching for the one. Perhaps I’m a hopeless romantic, but that hasn’t seemed as much of an issue as just finding the right place.

If I can’t find the place, which I suppose I don’t need to at this young adult age, then I’d like to find a kick ass temporary adventure. I’m thinking about buying a one way ticket some months after graduation and just figuring it out wherever I go. Or else, I’d probably end up in Brooklyn; watch my hipster style flourish. But California is like that person you always had a crush on and never gave it a chance and then you just can’t help but wonder. 

#that is the actual spelling of doldrums #a period of stagnation or slump #a period of unhappiness or listlessness

1. juliatwo said: come out west. we don’t have sun all the time, but despite the weather — everyone is always out doing things like running, exploring, hiking, etc. seriously, i have a spare bed. think about it.
2. danceingnaked posted this